Alien V – Journey to The Terrible Place: Post Modern English Cricket

Mitchell Johnson star of Alien V

There were coincidences and coincidences.  They should have known. The BAe 1-11 taking them from the Mother Country to The Terrible Place was called The Nelson Nostromo. “Hey it’s a 1-11,” joked Swanny to Jimmy.

“Just leaving on the Nelson Nostromo, but I can’t find my cricket gear. Haha,” tweeted Ravi Bopara.

TM and the Squire were in the media room of the Great House, sitting on chairs and at a table commissioned from H.R. Giger.  They were watching Alien on the large screen. The Squire was using it to explain what was taking place Down Under and to England’s cricket generally.

Media Room at The Great House

“The thing about this genre of film Third Man is that in all the crew there is only one person capable of sensing the danger – the rest are just complacent air-heads.”

“Wasn’t The Nostromo a commercial towing machine?” asked Third Man suddenly alive to the ‘Team England as Commercial Towing Machine’ metaphor.

Then there was Flower’s first team talk back at, Loughborough. “OK guys, our mission is straight forward.  It is to turn Australia into a place where English cricketers can thrive for eternity. ”

“We’ve the stats from Planet Zog.  At the end of our pre-mission training programme here at the Hyper Performance Centre the  staff are confident you’ll all fit their model to a T.”

“England have been relying on the old dialectic between man and machine trope,” explained the Squire. “That’s a universe at once disturbing – like now – and sublime.”

“Like three years ago?”

“The cocoon that  Flower has carefully constructed at first  seems a safe place, but (once the killer penetrates them) those mental defenses that promise to keep the killer out  become the walls that keep the victims in.”

Michell Johnson Thru English Batting Visor

Space Ship Australia – The Terrible Place!

“I want my mummy.”

It just slipped out of TM: “I want my mummy.”  The distress call.

The environment and the killer are one.

“How do we get out of this, Your Grace?”

“What you don’t do is listen to the on-board computer or trust that cute sounding Robot with the feminine voice.  There is no mother here to help you, TM.  This is grown up cricket.  They’re using a corky.”

“If it’s like in the movies, England have to bat like The Final Girl.”

The Final Girl pace HR Giger

“Eleven Final Girls, TM.”

“Just as Lehmann has connected the Australians with their folk memory, England have to find …”

“Their Mary Poppins!”


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