Kaartoof 7 or A Light Year Behind


I’m in a bar see. The Lamb and Bucket. An this guy comes over an says, ‘you ever hit a ball son’ an I seys ‘wats it to you’ an he seys ‘I’m looking for guys that can swing a bat an hit a ball a hundred meters’, an I seys ‘yer maybe I can do that’.
He looks me up an down an he seys ‘Yer I reckon yer cud’ an he gives me this card. ‘Ring me if you wanna try out.’
They weigh me they tape me an they have me pressin an pumpin an all my tees won’t fit no more an they fix these wires an they make me stand legs wide apart an swing an I hear deep inside ‘Kaartoof’ an they laugh in a good way, they laugh with me, then they throw me a ball an I hit it ‘Kaartoof’ to other side of the field.

These guys they scratch their heads and throw me anotha an I hit it ‘Kaartoof’ like it goes further an it was kinda easy, I swung an ‘Kaartoof’, it soared.
Now I eat an I sleep an I run an I pump an I do a whole lotta hitting ‘Kaartoof’. I hit maybe a hundred balls an they tell me, ‘stand solid an swing’. They tell me ‘bunt it back if it aint “there” an wait til it is’. An I hit it into the stands. ‘Kaartoof’. It’s fun.
They got guys they teachin to fling those balls down real fast “Thwang”. But I still hits em ‘Kaartoof’. Well most of em. “Don’t matter” they say if I misses a few. They just seem to like it when I hit it an they all say ‘Kaartoof’ an we all laugh.
Then some days they put me on a plane an give me a pile of comics an my music an we spend a real lot of time in India which is cool. An the crowds go wild when I go ‘Kaartoof’ an they got ‘Kaartoof7’ on my shirt now an  each week I hit that little ball farther an higher like the moon in the dark sky an they got these stands in India an if I hit to the upper decks I get more money, so I swing an ‘Kaartoof’ an it sails way up an the ball looks pretty in the dark an the lights an they give guys money to catch it in the stands an they give me more money when it gets caught an I get to sign the ball they caught an there’s photographers an more lights an I am on another plane an in another land an it all smells different.
Each morning I hit balls in the sunshine. I ain’t seen rain for days an each night the crowds go wild an everyone is screaming ‘katoooooof’ an the ball shines white against the dark dome like the moon in the dark sky.
An I remember the man in The Lamb and Bucket an I see him now with other guys an they swing or they thwang it down. An we press an we pump an eat an we sleep an we hit balls higher an farther an higher an farther til they catch it outside the ground an then we sign the ball an we get in a plane and it’s night and it smells different an …


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